A Tree Goes In Elmo
Previously on Men in Trees, an entire season happened that I didn’t watch. To be honest, a show starring Crazy Anne Heche was not my cup of tea. But it also has Kubiac from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose and that show was awesome. Plus, it takes place in Alaska, home of one of my favorite shows, Deadliest Catch. So I’ll give it a chance.
And when we open, Crazy Anne Heche is calling out to the alien space ships to save her from this planet. Or rather, she’s stuck in a snowstorm (Alaska!) with Cash and has gotten lost like a moron.
Meanwhile, Lynn reads a fairy tale to Matty, who finds it scary, because he’s kind of a wimp. Elsewhere in the Chieftain, Buzz begs his mail-order bride to talk to him but gets a “Talk to the second hand!” in response, because it’s funny when people who don’t speak English as their first language mess terms up. Ben gets his ass kicked in checkers by Annie, who’s way too excited about her win. Finally, Theresa mentions Marin and how she hasn’t been around much lately during this cyclone. The police officers don’t care, but Jack of the Turtleneck Sweaters does. He’s especially worried upon hearing that the last anyone heard of Marin, she was stupidly walking up a mountain. Just as Sara reassures her son that everything will be fine, the wind knocks her down a few pegs by blowing so hard it crashes through a nearby window, as the Chieftain apparently has windows made out of the very thinnest glass.
Two days earlier, Marin is quirkily painting her floors and painting herself into a corner.
Justine Bateman has bought a fairy-tale book for her unborn child, and everyone in the Chieftain has something to say about that. Buzz and Mai walk in, and Mai congratulates Lynn and Jack on their impending nuptials because she apparently likes it when Marin is unhappy. Ha ha ha! Mai rudely comments on the tinyness of Lynn’s engagement ring, like I’m sure Elmo’s jewelry store even exists, let alone stocks giant rocks.
Cash hunkily poses in the doorway and watches Marin paint the floor. She tells him that she wants to destroy the tree Jack gave her because it’s blocking the view outside her window. I don’t think your ruined relationship is really worth killing a tree, Marin. Mother Earth never did you wrong! Well, until two days from now when it cyclones all over you.
At the Chieftain, Sara gets a pleasant little note telling her that her ex-husband is suing her for full custody of Matty. Ben is sorry he asked about it, then offers her a loan to pay for a lawyer if necessary.
Marin attempts to destroy some harmless plant life by yanking Jack’s tree out of the ground. It doesn’t give an inch. It’s called an axe, Marin. She heads to the Chieftain, where she has the great good fortune of almost walking into Lynn on her way out. Awkward! Marin gets seated at the bar and everyone makes fun of her and her failed relationship with Jack. Ha ha ha! They hate her. Ben warns her to finish up her home improvements soon, because an Arctic Cyclone is a-heading their way. Marin cracks lame jokes about not hearing “arctic cyclone” much in New York, along with “excuse me” and “rent control.” Either no one in Alaska is familiar with rent control, or else they all hate her, because they pointedly don’t laugh along with her.
At the radio station, Patrick informs Marin that during Arctic Cyclones, everyone in town grabs their pre-packed emergency bags and heads for the Chieftain. They also have an emergency phone tree that is rather complicated, since not everyone in town has a phone. If you don’t have a phone in 2007, you deserve to be left off the emergence-tree entirely as far as I’m concerned. With that, Marin begins her broadcast by insulting the town and its stubborn trees.
Over at the Buzz and Mai home, Mai is packing their emergency bags when she stumbles across an old file. She opens it to find that a silly prop guy has circled one picture of a mail-order bride and written “#1!” next to it. The other picture is of Mai, who just gets an “OK.” Not even any punctuation! Mai is less than thrilled.
And over with the cop couple, Richard farts in Celia’s closet and kills the mood.
The next day, Cash has finished painting the floor of Marin’s writing room and put up some shelves for her. She’s not pleased; she wanted to do it all herself. She feels like she can’t get anything done. Cash offers to help, and Marin assumes he’s trying to have sex with her. He isn’t, and Marin thinks way too highly of herself. He suggests a “spiritual rebirth.”
Next time we see them, they’re hiking up the mountain to see Master Todd, who lives in a treehouse. Since this show is called Men in Trees, I guess every single man on it has to live in an actual tree.
Master Todd hates Marin as much as everyone else on this show and quickly says he “can’t work with this.” She asks him for his academic credentials, and he proudly says he went to DeVry while Cash nods solemnly. Master Todd tells her to write all her issues down on rocks and throw them off the mountain in order to be truly free from them. With that, he asks for fifty bucks.
Matty has left his window wide open in freaking Alaska. He’s gotta be cold. He’s scared to go to bed, which gives Sara a chance to promise she will always take care of him and to be even more upset about her ex-husband’s court case.
The days fly by in Alaska, and the next morning, Marin has taken Master Todd’s advice and is writing on rocks. She tells Sara she’s only doing this to write about it later, because she is using this town so hard. Sarah points out the lack of a Jack rock, but Marin refuses to acknowledge that he’s worth one.
Sara decides to take Ben up on his loan offer. Buzz runs into the Chieftain and says the cyclone is coming, and everyone runs off to start the emergence-tree. We cut to a montage of everyone in town knocking on each other’s doors frantically.
But Marin’s not home to get the warning, because she’s making her way up the mountain with Cash to throw their issue rocks away. Cash only has one rock, because when you look like him, you really don’t have a lot of issues.
Back from the break, Richard and Celia are making their way to the Chieftain with their emergency packs when Richard needs to take a break to fart in some trees because he gets gassy when he’s nervous. Celia doesn’t think he should step aside to fart when he’s already outside, but I can’t blame the guy after she blew up at him last night. Richard keeps walking, but forgets to bring Celia’s sad light.
Buzz is annoyed at Mai for putting makeup on for an hour to go to their emergency shelter, but she’s having none of his attitude now that she knows she wasn’t his first choice for a bride. She’s so upset at him, in fact, that she carries the file in her purse to whip out and fling in Buzz’s face. Buzz doesn’t help his situation by saying that he didn’t choose Gee Wong, the #1 woman, because she was “on layaway for some other guy.” Mai says Buzz isn’t all he’s cracked up to be based on his application, either. For one thing, he promised he’d sing to her every night and has never sung to her once.
Cash sticks whiny Marin with carrying all of her issues rocks by herself. Nor will he tell her what his one issue is.
Jack and Lynn arrive at the Chieftain. Annie is trying to get a game of checkers going. Celia realizes that her sad light is missing and is furious. “Dick FARTED and now I don’t have my light machine!” she announces to the entire lodge. Poor Richard.
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